My child says they want to be with their parent who died
What it means and what to do when a grieving child says they want to be with, join, or go to a parent who died.
Quick Answer
Take it seriously every time, ask directly and calmly what they mean, and don't leave them alone until you understand the answer.
“When you say you want to be with [name], can you tell me more about what that means to you?”
This sentence can mean several different things, from ordinary grief longing to something urgent. You cannot tell which one it is by how it sounds. You have to ask.
Why it matters: young children may say this the same way they'd say they miss a toy, with no concept of death as permanent or of ending their own life. Older children and teens may mean exactly what the words say. Treat every instance as worth a direct, calm conversation, even when you're fairly sure it's the first kind.
Say This
The direct check (use plain words, do not soften this)
“When you say you want to be with [name], do you mean you miss them, or are you having thoughts of hurting yourself or ending your life?”
If they say they just miss them
“That makes sense. Missing them that much is really hard. I'm glad you told me.”
If they say yes, or anything that sounds like yes, or you are unsure
“Thank you for telling me the truth. I'm not going to leave you alone right now, and we're going to get you some help.”
With a younger child who may not grasp permanence
“Do you know that being with [name] the way you mean means your body would stop working too, and you couldn't come back? Is that what you want, or do you mean something else?”
Whatever they answer
“Do not react with anger, panic, or shock in front of the child, even if you feel it internally.”
If they say they just miss them: continue to comfort, but stay alert to the topic returning.
Do This
- Ask the direct question every time this comes up, even if you've asked before and even if you're fairly confident it's ordinary longing.
- If the answer suggests any risk to their safety, do not leave the child alone. Stay with them or have another trusted adult stay with them while you get help.
- Remove access to anything that could be used for self-harm if there is any indication of risk, immediately.
- Contact a crisis line, your pediatrician, or a mental health professional the same day if there is any indication of risk. Go to Need Help Now.
- If there is any immediate danger, call or text 988, call 911, or go to the nearest emergency room.
- Reassure the child afterward that telling you the truth was the right thing to do, regardless of what they said.
- Follow up in the days after, not just once, and keep age-appropriate language steady across all caregivers involved.
Not This
- Assuming it's “just a phase” or normal grief talk without asking directly what they mean.
- Punishing, scolding, or reacting with alarm that shuts the child down from telling you more.
- Promising secrecy (“I won't tell anyone you said that”).
- Waiting to see if it happens again before taking action.
- Trying to handle a disclosure of risk without professional support.
If It Doesn't Settle
This statement always warrants a conversation with a pediatrician, therapist, or child bereavement professional, even when the child clarifies they meant ordinary longing. If there is any indication your child is thinking about ending their life or has a plan, treat it as an emergency: contact 988 by call or text, or call 911, or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
Go to Need Help Now now, or call or text 988, or call 911 if there is immediate danger.When to seek more helpNext Steps
Reviewed by A licensed child bereavement clinician. Last reviewed September 29, 2026.