How do I tell my child about the funeral, and should they go?
How to prepare a grieving child for a funeral or viewing, whether they should go, and exact words to explain what they'll see.
Quick Answer
Give your child the real information and a real choice, then let them decide with support.
“The funeral is a service where people say goodbye. I'll tell you exactly what will happen. You can go, or you can not go, and either is okay.”
Children usually cope better with a funeral they were prepared for than with one they were kept away from. The middle path is to prepare them and offer the choice.
What a child may be thinking: fear of seeing the person, fear of crying in front of people, fear of not crying, or a belief that the body can still feel things, or looks the way the dead look in movies.
Say This
Opening the choice
“There's going to be a funeral for [name]. It's a time for family and friends to say goodbye. I'd like you to be there if you want to be. What questions do you have?”
Explaining what will happen, step by step
“First we'll go to [place]. There will be a lot of people, and some will be crying. Then [person] will say some words. Then people will [view/sit/walk by]. It will last about [time]. After, we'll [eat/go home].”
If there will be a casket
“There will be a box called a casket. [Name]'s body will be inside. The casket may be open so people can see, or closed.”
Explaining the body
“When someone dies, their body stops working completely. It can't move, feel, breathe, or hurt anyone, and it can't come back. Sometimes a body looks different after someone dies. It may look very still, pale, or not quite like the person you knew. That's because the body stopped working.”
Closed casket, violent death
“The casket will be closed because [name]'s body was hurt very badly when they died, and we want everyone to remember them the way they were. Closing it doesn't mean anyone is hiding anything.”
Explaining what people may do
“Some people cry loudly. Some don't cry at all. Some laugh and tell stories. All of that is normal. You can feel whatever you feel, and you don't have to act any way.”
Offering the exit plan
“You can leave anytime. If you want a break, tell me or [named adult], and we'll step outside.”
If they say no
“That's okay. You don't have to go. Would you like to do something else to say goodbye, like write a letter, draw a picture, or light a candle at home?”
If they don't want to go
“If you don't want to go, that's okay. If you change your mind later, we can visit the cemetery together, look at pictures, and talk about the day. You can say goodbye in a different way any time.”
If they change their mind at the door
“We can go in, or we can wait here. What feels right?”
Age 0-3
“Keep routines, keep a familiar adult nearby, use few words.”
Age 4-6
“The funeral is where we say goodbye. [Name]'s body will be in a box. Their body doesn't feel anything anymore. You can look or not look, and I'll be beside you.”
Age 7-9
“Here's the order of the day. Do you want to see the casket, or stay back?”
Age 10-12
“You can go up front, sit with friends, or come with me. Tell me what you want.”
Age 13-18
“It's your decision. If you go, do you want me next to you, or do you want to sit with someone else?”
Lived Experience
My grandmother Ethel told me I didn't have to go to my father's funeral, and I chose not to. I had already seen him in the casket, and I was afraid that seeing him again would bring more fear. I was trying to forget what I'd seen, but every night at bedtime it was all I could think about. I was also afraid of the adults. I had watched them come apart the morning Aunt Cricket told us, and I didn't know how I'd handle a whole room of that.
At the time, I was relieved I didn't have to see him again. Now I regret not going more than I can say. I also believe the choice protected me, and I have to believe it was right for a child my age.
Both are true. If your child skips the funeral, they may feel relief now and regret later. Offer another way to say goodbye, and let them know that door stays open.
Do This
- Tell them ahead of time, not the day of.
- Assign one support adult whose only job is the child. Not a grieving caregiver, and free to leave with the child at any moment.
- Visit the space first if you can.
- Prepare an exit plan and a quiet spot, named in advance.
- Bring something comforting.
- Give the child a role if they want one (handing out programs, picking a song, placing an item in the casket). Offer, never require.
- Check in afterward: “What was that like? What are you thinking about?”
- A viewing and a funeral are separate choices. A child can do one, both, or neither.
- Offer a way to say goodbye later: a grave visit, a letter, a candle, a photo album.
- Tell your child ahead of time how loud or emotional the adults may be. Some kids stay home out of fear of the adults' grief, not the body.
- If the death was violent and press, police, or anyone connected to the case may attend, tell your child beforehand. If unsure, ask a victim advocate or child bereavement counselor before deciding.
Not This
- Forcing them to look, touch, or kiss the body.
- Barring them from attending without asking them.
- “It's just like sleeping.”
- “Be strong.”
- Leaving them alone with people they don't know well.
- Assuming they're fine because they didn't cry.
- Letting relatives decide for the child what they should say or do.
If It Doesn't Settle
Consider a child bereavement counselor or your pediatrician if, in the weeks after: your child keeps re-seeing what they saw, or has nightmares about the body or casket; they avoid anything connected to the funeral, cemetery, or the person who died; they believe the person will return or the body can still feel; sleep, eating, school, or friendships change sharply; anger or withdrawal stays intense.
If your child says they want to die, want to be with the parent who died, or want to hurt themselves, go to Need Help Now now.When to seek more helpNext Steps
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